Monday, June 28, 2010

Reflections: Is it bad...

To sometimes ask for guilty pleasure? To ask for something worth working for, to ask for a partial reward. Is it bad that sometimes I want to just be happy, and to just get what would make me happy, without thinking of the happiness of others? Is it bad to sometimes selfishly think of just your own happiness?
This would be perhaps the most different and radical of all my reflections blog post, because it strikes so close to home. Ever since the very beginning, I've made sure that my happiness would be hinged on the happiness of others; simply put, if others are happy then I am happy also. I do not desire to boast or brag, but ever since, I've made it a point to live for others without even thinking of myself. I make myself (sometimes even force myself) to be happy when I make others happy, and kick myself hard when I give them even a tiny hint of sadness or disappointment.

I'm not asking for vindication here, but I'm beginning to seriously question this philosophy. Is life really meant to be lived for others? Is life really meant to be an instrument to make other people happy? It's so beautiful to think that life is interconnected that way, but why is it that there are times when I feel that I am not happy. There are times when I feel like nobody is living for my happiness, and I feel jealous that everybody else is happy except me.

Maybe I'm just being emotional here, and maybe I'm just missing the tiny details, but I don't really know if I should continue to live for others. It gives me genuine joy to see other people happy, do not get me wrong on that. It makes me really glad to have made another person happy, even if just for a very short while. But discontent sometimes rears its nasty head, and I lose all sense of satisfaction. It feels as if though I'm being cheated.

The bible certainly says that we should love others, and Jesus even said that there is no greater act of love for a friend other than being ready to die for him or her. And because my hope lies in Him who saves, I of course believe this. Is what I'm feeling merely hunger for genuine happiness that only the divine can give? Am I giving myself too much to others that I forget to be happy myself?

In the end, I'm sure that this is all part of God's plan, and until God continues to convict my heart and give me the spirit of sacrifice, then I would continue to live my life for others. In the end, I just hold on to the hope that one day God will make me happy, or send people to make my life worth living. For now though, I give my life to others, having complete faith on God's promised joy.